Thursday Grab Bag: Silly Horse Names

Sometimes the smallest of life's twists can be the most frustrating.

I finally cleaned out the inside of my car and took it through the car wash Wednesday. When I went to pick up my laundry a few hours later, a bird with a significant case of indigestion decided the driver's side back window was the perfect place to deposit his product. That sums up my weekend. Bummer!

Luckily, the weekend is just ahead for most of you.

I did run a 13:02 two-mile Wednesday in my so-far pathetic attempt to get back in shape.

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Horse sense: Speaking of racing, the Kentucky Derby's on Saturday. Now I'm not one of those grammar freaks, but if I see one more misspelled horse's name I'm going to chuck the banana peel sitting next to me against the wall.

Seriously, did the sport's founders get together and collectively decide to require that a certain percentage of names must be spelled incorrectly?

Calling me a good speller is like calling Alex Rodriguez forthcoming. (In case you missed it, A-Rod has now been accused of taking steroids as far back as high school and continuing to juicing when he came to the Yankees in 2004. He's changed his story several times already, and his latest response: "I'm not going there.")

But if I'm sinking $290,000 into an animal, I'm taking the liberty to put spaces between the words in its name. But Pioneerof the Nile is one of the favorites to win Saturday's Derby. When local handicapper and radio host Steve Bortstein sent me a column a few weeks ago with the horse mentioned prominently, I incorrectly changed all of them to "Pioneer of the Nile," and he wrote a calm preface to his next column to say 'all the names are spelled correctly, thank you very much.'

Apparently, utilizing any sort of punctuation is a major transgression. Just check out the horses listed in today's race schedule for SunRay Park here in Farmington: 'Cupids Trick,' 'Robins Fortune,' 'Hooteys Margarita,' 'Rockets Glare.' The list continues. Possessive names are common, but no apostrophes.

For misspellings, catch 'Fast Kash,' 'Tyger in Your Tank,' 'Officr Neufner' and 'booger Boo.' If you fancy runons, enter 'I'mspeedytoo,' 'Tellmeiwasdreaming' and 'Lalumbredelospateres.' I don't know what that last one says. Maybe I should just string together letters and name my horse 'Hetwenstenkrams'.

Or you can combine two mistakes, like this one did: 'Thatsnolie.'

Then there's classy: 'He's My Dessert,' 'Touch My Abs,' 'Dont Gimme No Bs,' and 'Yes Yes No No.' If we care so much about animals (see: Michael Vick, or the local cockfighting raid), would we insert sexual innuendos or curse words into their names? Would anyone name one of their kids 'Booty Kaal'?

Gambling on horses already has enough of a stigma. Horse racing fans don't need you owners inciting any more haters. If you're going to spend thousands of dollars on an animal, maybe spend five minutes to think of something creative or check your spelling.

I think owners just eavesdrop on a middle of the night conversation downtown, and the first thing they hear becomes the horse's name. Which they write down on a napkin from the local establishment after a few shots of Jack Daniel's, accounting for the spellings.

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Stafford's money: While I'm ranting, how the heck is it fair that 2009 No. 1 NFL draft pick and quarterback Matthew Stafford is getting paid more than Albert Haynesworth? Stafford got the most guaranteed money in NFL history -- NFL history! -- $41.7 million regardless if he ever takes a snap for the Detroit Lions.

I got a first-hand glimpse of Haynesworth during my internship with the Tennessee Titans this past year, and I think he's the best defensive player in football. The Washington Redskins agreed, giving him $41 million guaranteed.

Here's a great column by Gary Myers of the New York Daily News on the outlandish rookie pay scale, by far the most outlandish aspect of the burgeoning NFL.

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Baseball Top 10: Piedra Vista is still ranked No. 2 in the 4A coaches poll, ahead of Farmington. This still doesn't make sense to me. Here's sports editor Darren Vaughan's article on the latest poll, with comments from both PV coach Dick Laughlin and FHS coach Don Lorett.

It will be interesting to see the matchups when the seeds are revealed Sunday. Could we be headed for a third game between the rivals, this time in the state semifinals?

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Track Top 10: No track meet this weekend as area teams prepare for next weekend's district championships. Here's the latest coaches poll, released April 22:

*Note: I am aware that the point totals at the bottom of the 3A boys poll don't make sense. I'm just the messenger.

4A Boys
T1. Albuquerque Academy (7), 106 points
T1. Los Alamos (5), 106
T3. Aztec, 66
T3. Artesia, 66
5. Farmington, 58
6. Belen, 47
7. St. Pius, 42
8. Piedra Vista, 39
9. Moriarty, 31
10. Volcano Vista, 23

Others: Kirtland Central 13, Roswell 13, Goddard 10, Grants 9, Capital 8, Silver 6, Del Norte 2, Bernalillo 1, Valencia 1.

4A Girls
1. Albuquerque Academy (4), 109
2. Los Alamos (7), 107
3. St. Pius (1), 87
4. Kirtland Central, 59
5. Piedra Vista, 55
6. Belen, 52
7. Aztec, 37
8. Artesia, 29
9. Goddard, 26
10. Roswell, 22

Others: Grants 16, Volcano Vista 13, Moriarty 12, Farmington 9, Valencia 6, Santa Teresa 5, Del Norte 5, Taos 2.

3A Boys
1. Hope Christian (6), 77
2. St. Michaels (1), 76
3. Lovington (2), 71
4. Ruidoso, 45
5. Bloomfield, 44
6. Portales (1), 37
7. Socorro, 26
8. Robertson, 32
9. West Las Vegas, 26
10. Cobre, 21

Others: Sandia Prep 19, Pojoaque 19, Hot Springs 15, Dexter 10, Raton 6, Hatch 6, NMMI 3, Santa Fe Indian 2, Cuba 2, Laguna Acoma 2, Zuni 1.

3A Girls
1. Hope Christian (1), 61
2. Robertson (2), 58
3. St. Michaels (2), 56
4. Ruidoso (3), 53
5. Lovington (1), 35
6. Sandia Prep, 30
7. Pojoaque, 29
8. Portales, 27
9. West Las Vegas, 25
10. Bloomfield, 24

Others: Cobre 15, Zuni 10, Santa Fe Indian 6, Laguna Acoma 6, NMMI 5, Dexter 4, Hot Springs 4, Hatch 3, Cuba 3, Miyamura 1, Tohatchi 1.

Navajo Prep isn't included in either 2A poll, but the boys did get six points, good enough for seventh on the "others" list.

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Sports links: Great article by New York Times reporter Alan Schwarz on Arthur Giddon, honorary bat boy on his 100th birthday. Giddon held the position for the Boston Red Sox during Babe Ruth's playing days.

* Not usually a fan of ESPN columnist Rick Reilly, but his column on the trivia texting service ChaCha was terrific. I'm considering working for them to scrape together a few dimes during my off days.

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Bizarre links: Weird week in Colorado, both involving vehicle-pedestrian collisions. First, a Denver man who pushed three people out of the way of a moving pickup truck as they crossed the street, and got hit by the truck himself, got rewarded with a jaywalking ticket.

* Next -- and you couldn't make this up -- a pregnant woman in Colorado Springs got hit by a car while "fleeing from an adult black bear." The next time I'm pregnant and getting chased by a bear, I'm going to try to avoid running in front of a car, but really, at that point, it may be tough to think straight.

* Finally, a Michigan millionaire is taking applications from women -- for marriage. No, this isn't a reality show. The man paid a matchmaking service whose fees start at $50,000 to help sort through the mess. Described as "self-made" and "very tall," I feel bad for him. I mean, surely if he's a multimillionaire that's decently attractive and not a complete recluse he can get a date or two. Gold diggers, here's your buffet. Let the onslaught begin.

Stay true and keep pounding,
Christopher